Fear the FLOTUS: Top 5 Reasons Not to Mess with Michelle Obama

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In her time in the White House, First Lady of the United States, Michelle Obama, has proven to be a lot of things; recently, she proved she is not to be trifled with.

While speaking at a Democratic National Committee campaign fundraiser in Washington, Michelle was interrupted by a protestor shouting demands for equality for gays and lesbians. But unlike her husband, who is usually fairly patient with hecklers, Michelle took immediate action. The first lady left the podium, offering her objector two options, “You can listen to me, or you can take the mic, but I’m leaving. You all decide.” The crowd then cheered for her to retake the stage, helping her prove why no one should be messing with Michelle Obama.

5 She’s Michelle Obama…

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And you’re not. She wields more power and influence in the tip of her pinky finger than you’ll experience in the entirety of your puny existence on this planet. So maybe try to stay in her good graces. Even if the point you’re trying to make is valid, screaming it out in the middle of her speech is probably not the best way to go. If you manage to get on her good side, it could be the first step on the way to some real change, but if you get on her bad side, well… just go back and read slides 1-4.

4 She’s Beloved

In short, you don’t pick a fight with the most popular person at the party, or you might suddenly find yourself severely outnumbered. Well, Michelle Obama is the most popular person at the party, and the party is America. She’s everywhere. She seems to pop up on a different morning talk show every day and when she cuts her hair it makes for national headlines. Her bangs have gotten more positive press than most first ladies get during their entire stay in Washington, so you might want to just steer clear of the cool chick.

3 She’s a Mom

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Everybody has seen it at least once in his or her lives, the woman you thought was quiet and innocent who suddenly snaps and goes all “momma bear” on an aggressor. The lesson here? You just don’t screw with moms. You see, every mother has the potential inside them to rip you up one side and down the other; they’re like smaller, minivan-driving Hulks. And Michelle is dealing with two teenage girls at home, so any crap you might throw at her is probably the least of which she has dealt with even that very morning.

2 She’s in Charge

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There are plenty of husbands that make comments about their wife being the one who’s “really in charge.” But have you looked into Barack Obama’s eyes when he says it? That dude isn’t kidding. He’s the single most powerful man on the planet and yet he seems to have a legitimately healthy fear of his own wife. So if the leader of the free world doesn’t want to do anything to piss her off, you probably shouldn’t either.

1 She’s Cut

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The fist lady is a well-known fitness fanatic. She prides herself on staying in shape and even heads up organizations that aim to get the nation as a whole back on the treadmill and off the fast track to an early and extra-wide grave. If anything, this protestor is lucky she didn’t run into Michelle when there were no witnesses around, otherwise she could have found herself in the well-toned, crushing grip of a FLOTUS sleeper hold.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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